GRACE MESSARRA
SENIOR COPYWRITER
Here’s what the government doesn’t want you to know.
In 1930, the Smithsonian made a terrifying discovery. The first wheel from 3500 B.C. was an act of plagiarism.
It all started when one sweet-toothed, Ancient Mesopotamian, preteen delinquent decided to hijack the granary’s intellectual property for his science fair. He stole his favorite circular pastry (what is now referred to as the doughnut) and carved a terribly inferior (however inedible) replica from tree bark, dubbing it “the wheel.”
“The wheel” would come to be hailed as the greatest creation known to man.
This discovery, the Smithsonian determined, would have dire consequences if made public, 5,000 years after the fact. The very notion that the most important invention of all time was a lie would mean anarchy!
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They could not have it.
So, they enlisted the CIA to pay a hobo a hefty sum (+ triple his weight in Twinkies) to put up a doughnut-creating front as part of a
clandestine plot to permanently destroy all mention of the doughnut in the annals of history.
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That very hobo, Hobo Joe, was then credited with the creation of the doughnut, only to die months later from (what was determined to be) a Twinkie overdose.
Smells like a cover-up.